I’ve been trying to find peace for… four years. I really want to get over the hurt and the pain. But I am not there yet. Jim is working this year, for the first time on the 27th since before The Worst Day. I am trying to keep busy and not fall apart.
I want to find peace because I don’t want to harp on bad things.
I want to find peace because I have so many wonderful blessings in my life.
I want to find peace because there are so many things going on in the world that affect so many others and I feel selfish for being so sad, four years later.
I want to find peace because I don’t want to be sad anymore.
I want to find peace because I have so many people in my life who haven’t been able to conceive, let alone carry two children to term and get pregnant a third time without even trying.
I want to find peace because I have friends with sweet babies or who are pregnant and I don’t want to be the sad, cynical lady who causes them to doubt whether or not their children will survive labor.
I want to find peace because… just because I feel like I deserve it.
My life is so good. I’m so very happy a grand majority of the time. I love my husband beyond measure, and I know he still loves and respects me, more than 11 years into this relationship and 13 into our friendship. I love my sweet Eriana beyond what I could ever explain. We have enough of everything we need, plus a large majority of the things we want. We have a home, we have an income, we have so much love.
But. But. But.
But my arms and my heart ache every day for the little girl I got to hold and kiss but never hear cry or feel move in my arms. And I don’t have the peace I so desperately crave yet. Maybe next year.