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» Trying to find peace (NaBloPoMo 27)

I’ve been trying to find peace for… four years. I really want to get over the hurt and the pain. But I am not there yet. Jim is working this year, for the first time on the 27th since before The Worst Day. I am trying to keep busy and not fall apart.

I want to find peace because I don’t want to harp on bad things.

I want to find peace because I have so many wonderful blessings in my life.

I want to find peace because there are so many things going on in the world that affect so many others and I feel selfish for being so sad, four years later.

I want to find peace because I don’t want to be sad anymore.

I want to find peace because I have so many people in my life who haven’t been able to conceive, let alone carry two children to term and get pregnant a third time without even trying.

I want to find peace because I have friends with sweet babies or who are pregnant and I don’t want to be the sad, cynical lady who causes them to doubt whether or not their children will survive labor.

I want to find peace because… just because I feel like I deserve it.

My life is so good. I’m so very happy a grand majority of the time. I love my husband beyond measure, and I know he still loves and respects me, more than 11 years into this relationship and 13 into our friendship. I love my sweet Eriana beyond what I could ever explain. We have enough of everything we need, plus a large majority of the things we want. We have a home, we have an income, we have so much love.

But. But. But.

But my arms and my heart ache every day for the little girl I got to hold and kiss but never hear cry or feel move in my arms. And I don’t have the peace I so desperately crave yet. Maybe next year.


6 Comments

  1. Laura Diniwilk
    November 27, 2013 12:05

    I wish we lived close so I could give you a hug. I’m sorry that this is so hard and that you are still so sad, and I wish that there was something I could do to help you find peace. xo



  2. Susie
    November 27, 2013 12:39

    Thinking of you and your family, Tara. You do deserve peace. I hope it comes.



  3. Jesabes
    November 27, 2013 13:04

    Thinking of you so much, Tara. Hugs and love.



  4. Jess
    November 27, 2013 19:16

    I am so sorry for your loss. No mother should have to go through what you did. You deserve peace and love and joy in your life.



  5. Sarah Anne
    November 27, 2013 20:55

    Oh my lovely friend. Feel what you feel and heal when you heal. I love you and your beautiful heart and wish you all the peace that you need.



  6. readingandchickensr
    December 6, 2013 15:27

    I think, in some ways, peace can be overrated. It is awful to endure what you did, your loss Jim’s loss but it is also YOU. If you were peaceful about it, you also wouldn’t be as compassionate, as kind and understanding, as full of love for strangers who have gone through what you have. The restlessness in and of itself is a terrible, terrible thing, and I WISH you peace, soon, but just know that not having it, not yet, is not a bad thing for all the people around you who are touched by you.



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