Here’s your next installment of Twitter favorites! (Also! I realized I probably shouldn’t be naming your family members on here, so I’ve redacted their names and will go back through old posts and do the same.)
@CharlieSue: August 15: Hey, didn’t YOU GUYS have Dictionary Wars when you were a kid where your mom gave you and your sister a word and you had t… oh wait. DORK.
@snoozical: August 15: Just got all het up about people calling diet soda TOXIC because it’s not NATURAL and oh my god. So, got a diet coke, feeling better.
@TemerityJane: August 16: [discussing the delicious dinner she's making for her family] Except for the baby. The baby gets gruel. Where do I get gruel? The really thin kind?
@EricaHuff: August 16: Y’all let me know if you need some swag from the El Paso airport.
@SaraBellePlaine: August 16: [Daughter] stood all on her own today. I may have pushed her down and whispered “too soon, baby, too soon.”
@SarahLena: August 17: If you think your day sucks, remember: at least YOU didn’t liberally apply foundation primer to your hair instead of gel. YOU’RE WELCOME.
@omg_youguys: August 17: ”What the… How did I get a cold sore? Oh, no, it’s just chocolate syrup.” – Me while looking in the mirror this morning
@alldressedup: August 17: Oh, you’re mad at me because we’re out of your preferred melon for lunch? I just sneezed and peed myself thanks to birthing you. SO THERE.
@adellstevens: August 17: [Daughter]: “Mom, I need a TV for my room so I don’t have to get up and find the iPad.”
@burghbaby: August 18: I want to French braid the dog’s fur just because I think she would let me.
@EricaHuff: August 18: [Erica was at a fancy wedding for a friend of her husband's and knew no one, so was tweeting to us]
@HereWeGoAJen: @EricaHuff What can you say to make you sound super important? Try “hold on one minute, I need to send them the launch code.”
@EricaHuff: @HereWeGoAJen Hmm, how about snort-giggling at that tweet? That was probably pretty cool, right?
@HereWeGoAJen: @ericahuff Now I’d like you to mutter “I told those fools not to use plutonium.”
@ericahuff: @HereWeGoAJen Now my cool new friends just think I’m a weird giggle-monster, thanks for that.
@ericahuff: I have made a couple of friends! They are very, very drunk girls! #FancyWeddingTweets
@ChristinaRTS: August 18: “Mom, there’s no way I’m gonna be able to fall asleep, I’m totally I’m the mood for cupcakes.” well, thats a new one.
@SMMollahan: August 18: Just for the record, I love auto correct when I’m drinking. #tipsytweets
August 18: I tweeted: Why I can never be single again: “Why do presidents always start with ‘My fellow Americans…’? I want SOMEONE to say, ‘What’s up, y’all!?’”
@Incog: @mrsdangelo If you elect me President, I will do this. I promise you. I will run on this platform.
@mrsdangelo: @Incog Excellent. KAMMAH FOR PRESIDENT!
@Incog: @mrsdangelo Lobsterswords for everyone! Lemonade from water taps! I declare the second Wednesday of each month to be Cotton Candy Day!
@Incog: @mrsdangelo I want my campaign buttons to have tiny kittens in tea cups on it! No one can resist kittens in tea cups! I’m gonna wiiiiiiiiin!
@booksnchickens: August 19: My blog is getting hit up for “the egg scene in 50 Shades of Grey.” My mom is so proud.
@Mrs_Irritation: August 19: [Our friend, whose name I've redacted, was eating a cheeseburger while watching "Hunger Games"]: @[REDACTED] I think it’s a tribute. Katniss would have LOVED a cheeseburger.
@homesweetsarah: August 19: Weirdest thing you’ve had to do at a job? Here, I’ll go first. I once had to braid a man’s hair. Aaaand now your turn.
@NASeason: @homesweetsarah Got female rats drunk, then gave them pap smears.
@alldressedup: August 21: [Daughter] just asked the hygienist how much a golden tooth would cost her. I have never been more proud.
@chattycricket: August 21: I feel like my hair is growing out very quickly. maybe I have hair super power? I AM A SUPER HAIRO.
@AndreAnnaRose: August 22: In case you were wondering, it IS possible to reference cat testicles in a comment on @follow_holly ‘s Whole30 post. Thank you and goodnight
@alldressedup: August 22: I have just about convinced [daughter] that tomorrow when she meets her new kindergarten teacher, his name will be Mr. Kerflufflepants.
@cheriebeyond: August 23: ”I like your skirt, Mommy,” she said, looking me up and down with begrudging approval. Another test passed, everybody. Breathe easy.
@Superjules: August 23: Yes, I deleted a tweet with a typo and retweeted it sans typo. If I don’t have my wordsmanship, WHAT DO I HAVE?
@TwoAdults: August 23: (Overheard in [son]‘s classroom between a girl & a boy): Her: “You wanna get married? We have been playing and coloring a lot.” Him: “Okay.”
@alexaflotsam: August 23: Fretted aloud re: sore throat, [husband] helpfully reminded me that if it’s a LEGITIMATE sore throat, my body has a way to shut that thing down.
@TwoAdults: August 23: In a new and startling low, I ate a tube of Pringles for dinner and cried while watching “Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders: Making the Team.”
@Ashleyb1182: August 24: Breaking News: Paul Ryan does not eat cake, would rather have asparagus. DO NOT VOTE FOR THIS MAN.
@SaraBellePlaine: August 24: ”Mommy, will I EVER get to ride a dinosaur?” “No, buddy, dinosaurs are extinct.” “I know they smell, Mom, but that’s not what I asked.”
@HereWeGoAJen: August 24: [I don't even know what this convo was about. It's just funny.] @snoozical @andyouknow @incog @pinkherring @lynnettielou I had a hamster. He had giant balls. If you blew on them, they disappeared.
@lynnettielou: @snoozical @andyouknow @incog @pinkherring So. Which animals have the biggest relative vaginas? @NASeason ?
@TemerityJane: @lynnettielou @snoozical @andyouknow @incog @pinkherring @naseason Are you asking her about vaginas because she’s a biologist or a lesbian?
@cheriebeyond: August 25: Girl, at pretend ice cream stand: Would you like something to drink? Me: Sure. How about some lemonade? Girl: I have beer, too. #ashamed
@BrookeBakes: August 26: Dan HATES that I think it would be funny to enroll [dog] in kindergarten next fall. Imagine when they realize her shot record has rabies
@pantalonesfuego: August 26: I think that someone I know on FB just got a lip kiss tattoo on her ass (as did her boyfriend?). oO There’s… photographic evidence.
@booksnchickens: August 27: Kids asked if we could be president, and we said, “No, you have to know more about government, or be George Bush’s son.”
@booksnchickens: August 27: Every time I wear a race shirt, I want people to be impressed and ask me about it. “I ran three miles. IN A ROW.” And then they’d crown me Queen of Everything.
@MariaMelee: August 28: Is it legal to kill your spouse for stealing the candy you bought for yourself?
@seliahm: August 28: Can someone call Shel Silverstein and tell him I found this?
@pantalonesfuego: August 28: My house smells like naked ladies.
@adellstevens: August 28: I asked [daughter] if her baby brother needed any new clothes. “I think….maybe some very tiny roller skates.”
@Julaver: August 29: [Son] just asked Hub to smell his socks. There’s some bizarre boy milestone in there somewhere.
@ericahuff: August 30: Anna’s new thing is randomly licking my leg. That’s going to stop really, really soon, right?
@ebj123: August 30: Ugh. My children are being awful today. I am so unfollowing both of them on Twitter.
@TwoAdults: August 30: [Daughter] has taken to swinging her arms like a crazy-ass windmill and saying, “HI YA! HI YA! HI YA!” World’s least effective ninja?
@EmilysHollow: August 30: The election this year is making me feel extra stabby. (Incase you’re reading, Big Brother, that’s a Simpson’s reference, not a threat.)
@dashoff: August 30: [Daughter] asked for a before bed snack, so she is sitting on the couch eating two huge leaves of romaine lettuce.
@JesabesBlog: August 30: Fun fact about my new picture: I wasn’t wearing pants when I took it.
@awkwardlysocial: August 30: I’m not sure Republicans have a good sense of humor. This is weird and scary, not funny.
@Mrs_Irritation: August 31: I cannot believe I’ve become a person who got an iPad app for her cat.
@TwoAdults: August 31: [NO idea what the context for this was, and I don't care. It's hilarious.] @omg_youguys Throw in some weiner glitter and IT’S A PARTY.
And there’s August.