Our Little Geekling

Here’s your July installment of Twitter favorites!

(You guys have to stop being so funny. These posts are getting really long.)

(For the FUNNIEST EVER night of hacked tweets, visit Erin’s post, because Arwen was hacked and, oh, it was hilarious.)

@kirida: July 1, 2012: I don’t buttdial. I buttfacetime. It’s the best type of assident.

@TemerityJane: July 2, 2012: @mrsdangelo I just want Pen to know I will love her slightly less if she is a dirty ho bag.

@booksnchickens: July 2, 2012: If I could give only one piece of advice to young women getting married, it would be: don’t let your husband make decisions. About anything.

@NASeason: July 2, 2012: Our cable and Internet got disconnected a couple days early, so we’re going to have to… talk to each other, or some shit.

@Swistle_Thistle: July 3, 2012: Boy, I sure am enjoying the effects of Google buying everything! I for one WELCOME our new Google overlords! It’s GOOD Google did that!

@alldressedup: July 3, 2012: My kids have put My Little Ponies in the pretend kitchen’s microwave and informed me we were having “pony nuggets” for lunch. #foodie

@pantelonesfuego: July 3, 2012: @mrsdangelo You are a hairy monster! I am a hair monster! Oh wait, we’re mammals. We’re supposed to be hairy monsters.

@jonniker: July 3, 2012: The baby SPECIFICALLY REQUESTED ice cream for her feeding later. OBVIOUSLY.

@pinkiebling: July 4, 2012: It’s “you and me, endlessly,” not “you and me and Leslie.” #themoreyouknow

(After Erin expressed a desire to be pregnant,) @lebean: July 4, 2012: @PolkaDotsPearls I wish you lots and lots of sex!

@MauraLessa: July 5, 2012: I thought the Higgs boson had to do with bacon. I saw “boson” and read “bacon.”

@andreaunplugged: July 5, 2012: Despite my going for a run/walk yesterday, the smoked meat also appears to have shrunk my pants and messed with my scale.

@That_Biz: July 5, 2012: I’m not good with the whole “kill them with kindness” thing. I’d rather just kill them with fire.

@bryanmosher: July 6, 2012: ”whine” vs. “wine”… Never has the letter h messed things up so much

(After requesting Keli send her newborn to her house for snuggles and being told she wasn’t ready to detach her boobs for feeding him) @TwoAdults: July 6, 2012: @kelihoskins Yeah, I don’t want a package of boobs. Just snuffly babies.

@MFAMama: July 6, 2012: Told my mechanic that for what tires cost they better not only vibrate & give me a happy ending but also hold me after & tell me I’m pretty.

@booksnchickens: July 6, 2012: I know I’m an awesome parent because my kids like beer already.

@booksnchickens: July 6, 2012: My twitter feed is full of nerds. It’s great.

@alldressedup: July 7, 2012: Pro Tip: Standing in your kitchen and shouting “accio Hershey bar with almonds!” will not actually do anything other than make you a nerd.

(Regarding Fifty Shades of Grey) @JesabesBlog: July 7, 2012: For goodness sake, Ana, BE YOUR OWN WINDKEEPER. #book3 #thankheavensitsalmostover

@booksnchickens: July 8, 2012: Not to be a sappy fool…wait, to be a totally sappy fool, I really love my husband.

@Kristie999: July 8, 2012: In my house alone, with 6 cupcakes. I mean 5. No, 4. Nevermind. In my house alone. Send (more) cupcakes.

@AndreAnnaRose: July 8, 2012: I would like to go on record that a cat sneeze is one of the weirdest sounds ever. I’m assuming it’s a little bit of Satan being expelled

@alldressedup: July 9, 2012: ”Mom, can you help me take off this princess dress? I’m a velociraptor now, and I can’t catch prey in this thing.”

@BohemianCyborg: July 9, 2012: Sorry, your password must contain the entire alphabet, your left foot, a theme song to a television show, and the blood of your enemies.

@TwoAdults: July 9, 2012: I have eaten all the chips and moving onto something else…YOUR CHIPS.

@SarahLena: July 10, 2012: Today is one of those days where I’m sure I’ll be on A List by 5:00pm for googling “where to bury bodies”.

@booksnchickens: July 10, 2012: I wish I was Southern so I could earnestly use “y’all.” But can Indian Southern people do that? Anyhow, y’all made me feel much better.

@TemerityJane: July 12, 2012: You know what’s a big relief? When your kid turns out cute. Ok, and healthy, I promise I feel relieved about things in acceptable order.

@adellstevens: July 12, 2012: My obituary will read, “She finally drowned in all the toys and no matter how many she got rid of or put away, eventually they got to her.”

@booksnchickens: July 13, 2012: There is no point to eating healthy if you cannot occasionally have ice cream for lunch.

@JesabesBlog: July 13, 2012: I suppose for full disclosure I should say I am in just yoga pants and a bra. Paul in diaper only. Now dancing to DJ Got us Fallin in Love.

@samsstories: July 13, 2012: Egg: Oh so loose! Me like it so loose. Then me make it tight! (Car seat belt) #talking

@burghbaby: July 15, 2012: People watching at the airport is enough to make you hope for a meteor to strike the earth.

@shelikespurple: July 15, 2012: Kyle just walked in the living room, up to Mike, pointed a whisk in his face and said, “I want to go outside.” Toddler coercion tactics!

(When I expressed frustration at not getting better from a bad sinus infection because I wanted to use my new running shoes,) @HereWeGoAJen: July 17, 2012: @mrsdangelo I totally read better as butter and was like “aren’t running shoes and butter antonyms?” #ilikebutterbetterthanrunning

@shriekhouse: @July 17, 2012: North Korea has an “important announcement”? So, it’s either A) pregnant, B) engaged to Tom Cruise, or C) going to blow us all up?

@MariaMelee: @July 18, 2012: If Twitter isn’t for sending unsolicited DM advice about orgasms, I don’t know what it’s for.

@HBApothecary: July 18, 2012: Hear me, Oh Twitter! One day a lady will come to you to spread the Gospel of the Sinuses! And you shall be healthy and infection free!

@jonniker: July 18, 2012: Bummer about those over sensitive gay people. Omfg.

(Sam is pregnant; her son isn’t merely commenting on her size.) @samanthajcampen: July 20, 2012: ”I love you mom and think you’re beautiful. . .but boy are you getting BIGGER!” So close, son. So close.

@Andyouknow: July 20, 2012: Clothes Donkeys: they’re like clothes horses but assier. #RejectedFashionBlogTitles

@elizabethbake: July 21, 2012: Many weddings today, to which I say, really friends? Getting married in the South in JULY? You’re all fucking crazy. And also, congrats.

@awkwardlysocial: July 22, 2012: Seth is whining about being poked on the ribs for snoring like a wild beast, he’s lucky he wasn’t poked with a hunting knife. #snoringagain

@Andyouknow: July 22, 2012: Ren told the babysitter last night he doesn’t wear underwear w/ his pjs, so he was free balling it all night.

@PolkaDotsPearls: July 22, 2012: I have found a place where kilts are not sexy: the kids’ play area at the mall. There, they are odd & slightly creepyish.

@TwoAdults: July 23, 2012: I am stalking something due to arrive via USPS. This may make me 85 years old.

@BindsTheTuna: July 23, 2012: My need for style & my husband’s need for comfort have intersected at point of furniture buying. Neither can live while the other survives.

@Julaver: July 24, 2012: My husband is complaining that the bag I gave him to pack his clothes is too small. Oh really, Princess? Wardrobe too big?

@MegglesP: July 24, 2012: My boyfriend just talked me through what I was certain were labor pains. I’m not pregnant. It was gas. Boyfriend of the year.

@TwoAdults: July 25, 2012: Sometimes I just want to put my forehead on my desk and sigh heavily in exasperation.

@TwoAdults: July 25, 2012: I wish I could unsee the word “divalicious.”

@rambleginger: July 25, 2012: I miss having fully formed thoughts.

@Kate_Welsh: July 25, 2012: You know what doesn’t help induce labor? Repeated phone calls from family members asking if you’ve gone into labor/had that baby yet.

@SarahLena: July 26, 2012: Although he was obviously handsome, in retrospect, Richard’s interest in Monica is a little creepy. I’m glad it didn’t work out.

@HereWeGoAJen: July 26, 2012: Lots of these OB patients are here with their moms. I feel old. #actuallyagoodthing

(In a discussion about babies peeing/pooping on parents,) @TemerityJane: July 27, 2012: @lebean @jonniker I’ll never forget the first time someone else peed my pants.

@Andyouknow: July 27, 2012: TSA checked Ren’s ticket by asking his name. Ren said H’s name instead of his own. Oh God, I think I almost just got accused of kidnapping.

@tuwabvb: July 27, 2012: It’s weird to me that people live in other countries.

@barbetti: July 28, 2012: Whenever I eat nachos, I have to tell my nacho joke. My husband just LOVES it: “What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?” “NA-CHO CHEESE!”

@jayesel: July 29, 2012: Maggie, watching Olympic swimming: “Wow, they’re not even wearing any floaties!”

@meanliving: July 30, 2012: Data is accumulating that suggests when left to my own devices, I will stay up late and make mix CDs for friends. Huh.

@jonniker: July 30, 2012: I wonder when the day will come when I don’t have crumbs in my bra.

@booksnchickens: July 30, 2012: This is probably anti-feminist to admit, but I feel really good after a nice vacuum session.

(In response to a tweet of mine that expressed a frustration with Eriana’s frequent bathtub poops in which I used a #parenting tag,) @lynnettielou: July 30, 2012: @mrsdangelo I’m glad you used the hashtag, otherwise that would have been disturbing.

 

July, Ladies and Gentlemen! Funny, FUNNY friends!