Here’s your July installment of Twitter favorites!
(You guys have to stop being so funny. These posts are getting really long.)
@kirida: July 1, 2012: I don’t buttdial. I buttfacetime. It’s the best type of assident.
@TemerityJane: July 2, 2012: @mrsdangelo I just want Pen to know I will love her slightly less if she is a dirty ho bag.
@booksnchickens: July 2, 2012: If I could give only one piece of advice to young women getting married, it would be: don’t let your husband make decisions. About anything.
@NASeason: July 2, 2012: Our cable and Internet got disconnected a couple days early, so we’re going to have to… talk to each other, or some shit.
@Swistle_Thistle: July 3, 2012: Boy, I sure am enjoying the effects of Google buying everything! I for one WELCOME our new Google overlords! It’s GOOD Google did that!
@alldressedup: July 3, 2012: My kids have put My Little Ponies in the pretend kitchen’s microwave and informed me we were having “pony nuggets” for lunch. #foodie
@pantelonesfuego: July 3, 2012: @mrsdangelo You are a hairy monster! I am a hair monster! Oh wait, we’re mammals. We’re supposed to be hairy monsters.
@jonniker: July 3, 2012: The baby SPECIFICALLY REQUESTED ice cream for her feeding later. OBVIOUSLY.
@pinkiebling: July 4, 2012: It’s “you and me, endlessly,” not “you and me and Leslie.” #themoreyouknow
(After Erin expressed a desire to be pregnant,) @lebean: July 4, 2012: @PolkaDotsPearls I wish you lots and lots of sex!
@MauraLessa: July 5, 2012: I thought the Higgs boson had to do with bacon. I saw “boson” and read “bacon.”
@andreaunplugged: July 5, 2012: Despite my going for a run/walk yesterday, the smoked meat also appears to have shrunk my pants and messed with my scale.
@That_Biz: July 5, 2012: I’m not good with the whole “kill them with kindness” thing. I’d rather just kill them with fire.
@bryanmosher: July 6, 2012: ”whine” vs. “wine”… Never has the letter h messed things up so much
(After requesting Keli send her newborn to her house for snuggles and being told she wasn’t ready to detach her boobs for feeding him) @TwoAdults: July 6, 2012: @kelihoskins Yeah, I don’t want a package of boobs. Just snuffly babies.
@MFAMama: July 6, 2012: Told my mechanic that for what tires cost they better not only vibrate & give me a happy ending but also hold me after & tell me I’m pretty.
@booksnchickens: July 6, 2012: I know I’m an awesome parent because my kids like beer already.
@booksnchickens: July 6, 2012: My twitter feed is full of nerds. It’s great.
@alldressedup: July 7, 2012: Pro Tip: Standing in your kitchen and shouting “accio Hershey bar with almonds!” will not actually do anything other than make you a nerd.
(Regarding Fifty Shades of Grey) @JesabesBlog: July 7, 2012: For goodness sake, Ana, BE YOUR OWN WINDKEEPER. #book3 #thankheavensitsalmostover
@booksnchickens: July 8, 2012: Not to be a sappy fool…wait, to be a totally sappy fool, I really love my husband.
@Kristie999: July 8, 2012: In my house alone, with 6 cupcakes. I mean 5. No, 4. Nevermind. In my house alone. Send (more) cupcakes.
@AndreAnnaRose: July 8, 2012: I would like to go on record that a cat sneeze is one of the weirdest sounds ever. I’m assuming it’s a little bit of Satan being expelled
@alldressedup: July 9, 2012: ”Mom, can you help me take off this princess dress? I’m a velociraptor now, and I can’t catch prey in this thing.”
@BohemianCyborg: July 9, 2012: Sorry, your password must contain the entire alphabet, your left foot, a theme song to a television show, and the blood of your enemies.
@TwoAdults: July 9, 2012: I have eaten all the chips and moving onto something else…YOUR CHIPS.
@SarahLena: July 10, 2012: Today is one of those days where I’m sure I’ll be on A List by 5:00pm for googling “where to bury bodies”.
@booksnchickens: July 10, 2012: I wish I was Southern so I could earnestly use “y’all.” But can Indian Southern people do that? Anyhow, y’all made me feel much better.
@TemerityJane: July 12, 2012: You know what’s a big relief? When your kid turns out cute. Ok, and healthy, I promise I feel relieved about things in acceptable order.
@adellstevens: July 12, 2012: My obituary will read, “She finally drowned in all the toys and no matter how many she got rid of or put away, eventually they got to her.”
@booksnchickens: July 13, 2012: There is no point to eating healthy if you cannot occasionally have ice cream for lunch.
@JesabesBlog: July 13, 2012: I suppose for full disclosure I should say I am in just yoga pants and a bra. Paul in diaper only. Now dancing to DJ Got us Fallin in Love.
@samsstories: July 13, 2012: Egg: Oh so loose! Me like it so loose. Then me make it tight! (Car seat belt) #talking
@burghbaby: July 15, 2012: People watching at the airport is enough to make you hope for a meteor to strike the earth.
@shelikespurple: July 15, 2012: Kyle just walked in the living room, up to Mike, pointed a whisk in his face and said, “I want to go outside.” Toddler coercion tactics!
(When I expressed frustration at not getting better from a bad sinus infection because I wanted to use my new running shoes,) @HereWeGoAJen: July 17, 2012: @mrsdangelo I totally read better as butter and was like “aren’t running shoes and butter antonyms?” #ilikebutterbetterthanrunning
@shriekhouse: @July 17, 2012: North Korea has an “important announcement”? So, it’s either A) pregnant, B) engaged to Tom Cruise, or C) going to blow us all up?
@MariaMelee: @July 18, 2012: If Twitter isn’t for sending unsolicited DM advice about orgasms, I don’t know what it’s for.
@HBApothecary: July 18, 2012: Hear me, Oh Twitter! One day a lady will come to you to spread the Gospel of the Sinuses! And you shall be healthy and infection free!
@jonniker: July 18, 2012: Bummer about those over sensitive gay people. Omfg.
(Sam is pregnant; her son isn’t merely commenting on her size.) @samanthajcampen: July 20, 2012: ”I love you mom and think you’re beautiful. . .but boy are you getting BIGGER!” So close, son. So close.
@Andyouknow: July 20, 2012: Clothes Donkeys: they’re like clothes horses but assier. #RejectedFashionBlogTitles
@elizabethbake: July 21, 2012: Many weddings today, to which I say, really friends? Getting married in the South in JULY? You’re all fucking crazy. And also, congrats.
@awkwardlysocial: July 22, 2012: Seth is whining about being poked on the ribs for snoring like a wild beast, he’s lucky he wasn’t poked with a hunting knife. #snoringagain
@Andyouknow: July 22, 2012: Ren told the babysitter last night he doesn’t wear underwear w/ his pjs, so he was free balling it all night.
@PolkaDotsPearls: July 22, 2012: I have found a place where kilts are not sexy: the kids’ play area at the mall. There, they are odd & slightly creepyish.
@TwoAdults: July 23, 2012: I am stalking something due to arrive via USPS. This may make me 85 years old.
@BindsTheTuna: July 23, 2012: My need for style & my husband’s need for comfort have intersected at point of furniture buying. Neither can live while the other survives.
@Julaver: July 24, 2012: My husband is complaining that the bag I gave him to pack his clothes is too small. Oh really, Princess? Wardrobe too big?
@MegglesP: July 24, 2012: My boyfriend just talked me through what I was certain were labor pains. I’m not pregnant. It was gas. Boyfriend of the year.
@TwoAdults: July 25, 2012: Sometimes I just want to put my forehead on my desk and sigh heavily in exasperation.
@TwoAdults: July 25, 2012: I wish I could unsee the word “divalicious.”
@rambleginger: July 25, 2012: I miss having fully formed thoughts.
@Kate_Welsh: July 25, 2012: You know what doesn’t help induce labor? Repeated phone calls from family members asking if you’ve gone into labor/had that baby yet.
@SarahLena: July 26, 2012: Although he was obviously handsome, in retrospect, Richard’s interest in Monica is a little creepy. I’m glad it didn’t work out.
@HereWeGoAJen: July 26, 2012: Lots of these OB patients are here with their moms. I feel old. #actuallyagoodthing
(In a discussion about babies peeing/pooping on parents,) @TemerityJane: July 27, 2012: @lebean @jonniker I’ll never forget the first time someone else peed my pants.
@Andyouknow: July 27, 2012: TSA checked Ren’s ticket by asking his name. Ren said H’s name instead of his own. Oh God, I think I almost just got accused of kidnapping.
@tuwabvb: July 27, 2012: It’s weird to me that people live in other countries.
@barbetti: July 28, 2012: Whenever I eat nachos, I have to tell my nacho joke. My husband just LOVES it: “What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?” “NA-CHO CHEESE!”
@jayesel: July 29, 2012: Maggie, watching Olympic swimming: “Wow, they’re not even wearing any floaties!”
@meanliving: July 30, 2012: Data is accumulating that suggests when left to my own devices, I will stay up late and make mix CDs for friends. Huh.
@jonniker: July 30, 2012: I wonder when the day will come when I don’t have crumbs in my bra.
@booksnchickens: July 30, 2012: This is probably anti-feminist to admit, but I feel really good after a nice vacuum session.
(In response to a tweet of mine that expressed a frustration with Eriana’s frequent bathtub poops in which I used a #parenting tag,) @lynnettielou: July 30, 2012: @mrsdangelo I’m glad you used the hashtag, otherwise that would have been disturbing.
July, Ladies and Gentlemen! Funny, FUNNY friends!