» Back to the Future
- filed under Baby, Life and Love, Love and Marriage
- 10 comments
Well, you guys, I think Jim and I came to an agreement about our future. After Eriana we thought she would probably be our only. And we were okay with that. But as time passed, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I wasn’t done. I’d be sad that I was done. I’d think about a child with a different demeanor than our wonderfully crazy girl, and see Jim’s features in her face and wish I could do it again. But until I got pregnant accidentally, I still didn’t think we’d do the whole pregnancy and newborn thing again. And then the miscarriage decided that we wouldn’t be doing it then. I was willing. I was okay with figuring out how to put aside my fears and going through nine months of puking and pain and dealing with the possibility of another loss. Jim was not. He was fine with our one, amazing miracle girl. We thought for awhile, and talked a lot, and we finally made a decision. Sort of.
We’re waiting. We think we’ll try to start the adoption process for a toddler-aged child in about 2-3 years. We don’t want to rule out adopting an infant, but we for sure don’t want to adopt a child older than Eriana. The two countries I have looked at through my agency of choice, Ethiopia and Ghana, are only adopting out ages 4+ and 3+, respectively. If this doesn’t change, potentially we could adopt a child 2-3 years younger than Eriana. International adoption is scary, and expensive, and there are lots of factors to take into account when adopting either an infant or an older child. There are always risks associated with physical or psychological problems, and I have read my fair share of heartbreaking stories that involve families not getting what they wanted out of the adoption process, sometimes not even being able to bring a child home at all. But even though we are thinking about adoption down the road, we may decide against that, eventually. We may stick with our wonderful one, and just leave our family at three. We’ll see.
So basically I’m writing to tell you that we have decided to keep thinking, keep wondering, and keep an open mind. But we’ve decided, pretty completely conclusively, that there will be no more pregnancies or natural-born babies in our family. If there were to be another surprise then we would be open, but we’ll be continuing to protect against that happening. I still don’t think I’m done, but there are a lot of things to take into account of bringing another child into our family, including our financial situation, my continuing education and career plans, and Eriana’s well-being. Eriana would be a fantastic big sister. But she’s an awesome only child.
She’s basically just awesome in general.
Allison
June 20, 2012 1:54 pm
Thinking of you, Tara! I had no idea until last night when I got the new blog post update on my FB page and went back and read the ones I missed the last couple of weeks. Excited for you and your family as you begin to explore adoption. If that’s the path you choose, you’re going to make a little guy/gal very lucky!! <3 Lots of love, Allie
Swistle
June 20, 2012 2:35 pm
I love reading about these sorts of thoughts and discussions. So much DIFFERENT and so much THE SAME in each family.
Lily
June 20, 2012 2:47 pm
Out of curiosity, why an international adoption over a domestic one?
Tara
June 20, 2012 3:00 pm
Fear, mostly. I have heard too many stories of birth parents wanting their children back in the States, whereas if your adoption finishes up overseas you enter the country with the adoption finalized (barring bad reports from the agency with follow-ups, which we wouldn’t anticipate, of course). Also, we wouldn’t want to partner with a pregnant birth mother because of fear of stillbirth and changing mind at the last minute/after the baby’s birth. We aren’t ruling out domestic adoption, just leaning toward international.
Lily
June 20, 2012 3:03 pm
That makes sense. What is your view on surrogacy?
Tara
June 20, 2012 3:07 pm
Generally the same as carrying myself or pairing with a pregnant birth mother. Our stillborn was completely unexpected and completely inexplicable. Every problem happened when my body went into labor and was nothing that could have been predicted or prevented (unless the baby’s stress had been detected earlier, but the OB had no reason to think there were problems). It wasn’t anything I did or didn’t do, and it could happen to anyone. I would be terrified through the whole pregnancy, mine or another woman’s! (I’m generally excited for pregnant friends/family members while at the same time being completely terrified for them.)
Kammah
June 20, 2012 10:19 pm
I follow you on twitter and read occasionally when I can manage. But I felt the need to comment here, on this post in particular, and simply say that even though we have very different lives and are only connected with each other through this crazy mess of tubes, I feel very grateful for the opportunity to read someone with such candor, especially on a topic that cannot have been easy to write on.
I will be adding you to my reader immediately and I look forward to enjoying more from you; hopefully on subjects that bring you and your lovely family joy, and quickly.
Michelle
June 21, 2012 2:21 pm
What an amazing journey to consider.
Reading (and chickens)
June 21, 2012 4:31 pm
Oh! How very exciting! Gregg and I considered international adoption, too. We ultimately were rejected from our country of choice from our agency of choice, and we were pretty half-hearted about the process after that. Stay strong if you go for it! Wow, this was a downer of a comment, but really what I meant to say is AWESOME AMAZING AWESOME.
Laura Diniwilk
June 22, 2012 3:42 am
I wish there was some magical way of knowing when a family is complete so we can all stop thinking and wondering and worrying. It’s a tough decision no matter what the context. I will be excited to see what you end up choosing. Love that pic of Eriana!