Because I want to be just like Jen, I am going to share a few gems from my favorites list on Twitter. Y’all. My friends are funny.
(This is just in the last month or so. I have more I’d like to share in the future.)
@booksnchickens, May 1, 2012: I think the Internet is making me weirder. I didn’t need help with that, guys.
@alldressedup, May 4, 2012: G caught the puppy about to chew on my shoe and said in a disgusted voice, “Potter, don’t be a cliche.”
@alldressedup, May 5, 2012: Good morning, twitter. I hope your day is as non-shitty as possible. You deserve it.
@booksnchickens, May 5, 2012: You will be completely shocked by this revelation, but it turns out MY kids and not anyone else’s, are the most beautiful ones on earth.
@letmepeeinpeace, May 5, 2012: In honor of Cinco de Mayo this year, I will serve all food to my family on very hot plates.
@blogger_Becky, May 8, 2012: Don’t you hate when someone on Facebook posts, “How cute is my kid??” Because I’m usually like, “Eh. Not very.”
@MeganBoley, May 10, 2012: Cannot form sentences properly word order.
@EricaHuff, May 10, 2012: Earnestly pointing out that my kid is cute isn’t really my thing, but every time Anna takes off her shoes she says “Oh! My feet are back!”
@Life in a Tiny Town, May 10, 2012: My daughters are misusing the word literally. I’ve heard children break your hearts, but damn! I’m failing as a mother, OBVS.
@jonniker, May 12, 2012: My kid is in the cutest pair of Gymboree capris, and if she goes missing, it’s because I spread her on toast and ate her for lunch.
@punkrockpigtail, May 13, 2012: My husband made me breakfast and is cleaning the kitchen, the oven even! Maybe we should have Mother’s Day like once a month?
@TwoAdults, May 19, 2012: I’m so hungry right now that I’d probably eat a Snausage.
@NASeason, May 24, 2012: Crazy old lady chattering “cute cute cute hey hey hey” and patting my baby got a literal hand slap. NO NUT JOBS TOUCHING MY BABY.
@PolkaDotsPearls, 30 May, 2012: Eating potato chips in the bathtub. My inner goddess is ashamed of me and I don’t care.
@booksnchickens, May 31, 2012: I’ve come up with a new emotion: regrieveness, when you are both relieved and in grief that the queso is all finished.
@keli_h, June 1, 2012: Ken changed a light bulb today. Yes, honey … you practically wrote a Pulitzer Prize winning novel.
@smrtmouse, June 1, 2012: Someone, help. The volume dial on my three year old is broken. It is stuck on max.
@NASeason, June 1, 2012: Just read a tweet referencing Leon Panetta as “pancetta” so I guess I’m hungry.
@booksandchickens, June 2, 2012: Fun fact: I was a resident advisor in a college dorm for two years. I know everything there is to know about alcohol poisoning.
@TemerityJane, June 2, 2012: Sometimes I just want to Phoebe-run down the street.
@TemerityJane, June 2, 2012: Can I take a second to thank all my e-pals for having ACTUAL cute infants so I don’t have to do the awkward “Oh isn’t she SOMETHING!” thing?
To which @jonniker replied: @TemerityJane I might be getting ready to birth a real hideous one. You don’t know.
@jayesel, June 3, 2012: Quesadillas are awesome, but let’s be honest: they’re really just edible utensils used to shovel the sour cream & salsa into my mouth.
@andsosheblogs, June 3, 2012: It turns out Elton John is not singing “the cat nap’s stealing your bedtime” in Yellow Brick Road. #themoreyouknow
@TemerityJane, June 3, 2012: I held out my hand and said, “High five!” Phil thrust his crotch and me and said, “High three!” Ladies and gentlemen, my husband.