» Jerky Vindication
- filed under Learning Life Lessons, Life and Love
- 14 comments
Yesterday I tweeted something to the effect of: “I know it makes me a jerk, but when I see people who were mean to me in high school and they are working at a menial job and have no wedding ring, I kind of feel vindicated.” And then I deleted the tweet because it DOES make me a jerk to think things like that, and I didn’t want anyone to read that and think I was talking about THEM, also. Because I wasn’t. I know (from experience!) that people take whatever jobs they can get, no matter their experience or education. I know that not being married is not a sign of some sort of flaw or indicative of their character or their lives. And I am, typically, not judgy. But I am also not perfect, and sometimes I am harder on people who had a negative impact on me earlier in life.
Anywho, some background that doesn’t justify my thoughts, but explains to whom and to what they refer. I was nerdy in my younger years. Super nerdy. But I didn’t realize that was okay then. I’m super nerdy now, and I am happy with who I am. But in middle and high school, there were the “cool” people, many of whom were not nice. And as many times as my parents told me that being “cool” in middle and high school wouldn’t sustain these people throughout their lives, I clung to the things those people thought about me and tried to change myself. (Disclaimer: not all of the “cool” people were mean to me, but a great number of them were.)
I was told I was stupid, that because my family didn’t have a lot of money I would never make anything of myself. I was told that since I grew up on the wrong side of town (which, HAHAHAHAHA, 95% of Norman is the SAME) I would fail in life.
I was told I was fat and ugly and that I would never find someone to love me.
And it took me a long time to become comfortable with who I am and embrace my life and myself. But being back in my hometown, I sometimes run into the people who said these things to me, or said similar things that I allowed to hurt me. And when I see them and they aren’t any further along in their lives than I am, or they look unhappy, or they aren’t married, it gives me some sort of jerky vindication.
Yesterday afternoon I saw one of these people – a girl who was awful to me in high school. Who said those sorts of things and tried to break my spirit, sometimes succeeding. And she was working at a job that needed no specialized training, no education or certification, and she looked really unhappy to be doing it. She didn’t have a wedding ring on her hand, she had a bad dye job and a chipped manicure, and just looked run down. And I wasn’t gleeful at her life, but I was observant of it. She had told me I was worthless. But she isn’t any further along in life than me. She isn’t doing something to change the world. And that, my friends, THAT is what gives me jerky vindication. Seeing that she thought I would fail at life, but she isn’t succeeding anymore than me. (Of course, she may be independently weathly and working at a low-level job for the fun of it. She may have a 10-carat diamond wedding ring that she can’t wear at work. She may have given millions of dollars to the university or to some non-profit organization. She may be working there to put herself through medical school. I don’t know.)
I have a good and continuing education. I have a husband who loves me and is my best friend. I have an amazing daughter and I have been to hell and back and survived. I am a contributing member of society and I feel like I have a lot to offer the world, my world at least. She was wrong about me.
Yes, I can be jerky, but my jerkiness is very specific. It’s not toward you. I think you’re great! You are kind to me, you are supportive of me. I will support you to the end of the world and back because you would do the same for me. You are my friend. I hate the hardships and sadness in your life, and I love the positives and the elation in your life. But I apologize for my negativity, and I apologize if it caused you to change the way you feel about me. Please give me another chance.
So, I’m not perfect and I have these terrible thoughts sometimes toward people that were awful to me and affected my adolescence and my ability to think positively about myself. And you’re probably not perfect either (WAIT. ARE YOU? PLEASE TELL ME HOW I CAN IMPROVE!), but you might not think jerky things in the same way I do. And I admire you for that ability.
Lacey
February 28, 2012 11:30 am
We all have those thoughts though. I think things said to you as you were growing up stick with you and when you are able to prove them wrong, no matter how many years later, it does feel very vindicative. So, I don’t think you need to apologize for saying it. I think lots of people can relate to that!
Kate
February 28, 2012 12:19 pm
We do all have those thoughts, believe me.
Of course, on the other side of the jerky coin, I’ve also had the “but so-and-so was SO DUMB in high school. How does she have this awesome job/life/whatever?” Which, I think, is part of the comparison trap that’s so easy to fall into when the only glimpse of people’s lives you have is through FB and what they choose to present.
(And I am queen of the jerks because I totally want to know who you saw.)
Tara
February 28, 2012 12:31 pm
Not telling, Kate!
But, yes, I feel the same way as you. And I’m sure people think things of me, too! I guess it’s to be expected.
Bethany
February 29, 2012 9:21 pm
I want to know who you saw too.
-R-
February 28, 2012 12:48 pm
Um, hello, why does Facebook exist except so I can look up people who were horrible in high school and then experience jerky vindication when they have lost all their hair, or gained weight, or are single?
Erin
February 28, 2012 4:05 pm
Ha! Yes! This!
Rebecca
February 28, 2012 2:26 pm
I knew a guy who was like that to me in high school. I can clearly remember sitting on the bus on the way home and having him tell me that he would be more successful and better than me when he grew up. I honestly don’t believe I did anything to provoke the comment. I was VERY nerdy in high school–I graduated valedictorian, etc., etc. I was never one of the popular kids, because I was so busy with home and school commitments, but I was kind of mystified as to why anyone would be so MEAN. Most of the other people I knew in high school just shrugged their shoulders at me..they weren’t actively malicious.
Anyway, I was friends with this guy’s younger sister, and I knew she was nice, so I tried to blow off his comments. My mother made one of those “Mother’s Comments” about how he was probably jealous of me. Years later, when I look at him, he is in the position you describe (though he did just get married last year). Funny enough, he apologized to me at his sister’s wedding. He admitted he was a jerk and said he was sorry. Looking back, it’s amazing how much I let that original comment hurt me, and how much I appreciated the apology.
Erin
February 28, 2012 4:18 pm
We all feel this way sometimes. It doesn’t make it right, or okay, but we all feel this way. When I was going through a super-awkward phase and the pretty girls were picking on me, my mom told me “Don’t worry, they’ll peak at age 17 and when you get to your 10-year reunion, they’ll have lost their looks.” So when I run into those girls now and they HAVE lost their looks, I feel vindicated.
I also feel vindicated when girls who dated guys I liked end up divorced. There’s a girl I went to high school with who used to be a friend of mine, then turned on us all when she no longer needed us to vote for her for Homecoming Queen and class president, and she basically got the life I (thought I) wanted — she was on a semi-hit TV show, shows up in magazines just often enough to annoy me, etc. And I feel really, really vindicated that she ended up getting divorced and then having a child out of wedlock (not that that’s a big deal, but in this case, it adds to my vindication) with a guy who is not very attractive (though many people would disagree with me there, and he IS kinda famous so I guess that’s a perk for her — keeps her on the radar). But every time I see her on TV I have to remind myself that she may have gotten “my” life, but I beat her at being married.
It doesn’t make sense, but it’s how I feel!
Shalini
February 28, 2012 6:02 pm
Did you go to high school with Britney Spears, Erin???
Erin
February 29, 2012 10:34 am
Haha, nope. Far less famous than Britney
I don’t like to post her name because I don’t really want my comments about her online being linked back to me, lest she ever find them and get her feelings hurt (though Lord knows she hurt my feelings enough times, I shouldn’t care about hurting hers!), but if you feel like playing detective I can leave you some clues. Assuming Tara doesn’t mind my hijacking her comment section with clues about my former friend turned pseudo-celeb 
Shalini
February 29, 2012 10:48 am
Clues! Clues! (Tara, is this ok?)
Tara
February 29, 2012 11:44 am
Ha, you girls can hijack all you want. I’m super curious now!
Shalini
February 28, 2012 6:03 pm
Agree with everything you said. I know it’s not the best thing, either, but sometimes it sure feels good.
Swistle
March 1, 2012 4:27 pm
I feel that way too. My mom has a good spin for it, to make it seem less wicked: it’s an excellent negative lesson to help build our characters. It shows us so vividly that we don’t want to slam people when we’re up and they’re down.
Isn’t that good spin? Now when you notice such things, you can nod sagely and feel enriched by your observation.