Our Little Geekling

Whatever, I know I’m slacking big on updating this list.

18. Paper Towns by John Green. Adore. I’ve loved everything by John Green that I’ve read so far. I totally blame TJ for getting me hooked on him.

17. Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L. James. Oh, man, did I get sucked into this series. Ridiculous! The whole series is ridiculous.

16. The Marriage Plot by Jeffery Eugenides. This was a good book, but it wasn’t great. It was a bit awkward for me, because it was taking place in the early 80s, when I was born and living my childhood. And it was set in a super literary and intelligent setting, which was pretty far over my head. But I liked it okay.

15. 11/22/63 by Stephen King. Great. Great book. I adored it.

Whatever, I know I’m slacking big on updating this list.

14. The Opal Deception (Artemis Fowl, #4) by Eoin Colfer. I continue to adore this series. It’s just so thought-provoking and inventive.

13. Please Ignore Vera Dietz by A.S. King. I really liked this book! It was YA, but it was fun. Weird. Fun.

12. Matched by Ally Condie. I really need the next book in this series to come available at the library. I’m ready to read it. I’m about over the dystopian YA series, but am still truckin’ anyway.

11. The Art of Fielding by Chad Harbach. This was a great, great book. And even though there was a healthy dose of sports in it, I wasn’t super bored by those parts.

10. The Particular Sadness of Lemon Cake by Aimee Bender. This was a weird book. Too weird. I didn’t like it much at all.

Whatever, I know I’m slacking big on the publishing of this list.

9. Stolen: A Letter to My Captor by Lucy Christopher. This book was hard to read. All I could think was, “Eriana will never go anywhere alone!” But it was very well-done. I liked it.

8. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows by J.K. Rowling. I had to finish out the serious. Always.

–. Life of Pi by Yann Martel. I didn’t finish this book! It was interesting, but a SLOW read, so I by the time I got to it in my holds list from the library, I didn’t have time to finish it. Perhaps later on in the year?

7. Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children by Ransom Riggs. I really, really liked this book. I feel like it was kind of X-men for people that don’t really care for X-men. And I’m okay with that. Because I am not super interested in X-men.

6. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince by J.K. Rowling. Another re-read, but I love it forever.

5.  Run by Ann Patchett. Love. I loved this book. And it made me want to be Catholic. Which was a weird reaction, I’m sure.

First: Thank you SO much for your emails, messages, texts, cards, packages, and comments. You all are amazing. I really appreciate the outpouring of love and support.

Second: I’m doing okay. My hormones sort of crashed into a million, emotional pieces last night, but all-in-all, I am doing okay. Jim is doing okay. I’m recovering physically just fine, and I know that we can make it through this.

Third:

On a lighter note, here’s a beautiful picture of my child, her “school” (Mother’s Day Out) picture for this year. Isn’t she amazing? Her eyes look so green!

(I put a watermark on this because, well, you didn’t pay for the digital licensing, we did. So please don’t steal it.)

Fourth:

Eriana started coughing and was all stopped up and whiny and lethargic on Sunday night and by Monday she was a mess. She was like this about a month ago, and she needed a breathing treatment at the pediatrician’s office, then had an inhaler for the month for when she was short of breath or wheezing. I took her in on Tuesday and the nurse practioner diagnosed her with reactive airway disease, which is basically a way of saying “we don’t really know what’s wrong with her or what causes it, but we know how to treat it.” It’s SORT OF like asthma, but ISN’T asthma, and DOESN’T mean she’ll have asthma later on. It’s caused by some sort of allergen, hopefully something seasonal, but we can’t know for sure (unless she’s still having “episodes” when it’s 110 degrees outside and there shouldn’t be any seasonal allergies growing). She has to have breathing treatments twice a day for now, and she has additional doses of stuff for in between the two-a-day if necessary, plus her inhaler if she has an episode or something while we’re out or she’s at school. She’s doing well, and she’s like a whole-nother baby after she’s had her treatments. She doesn’t much like them, but I wear the extra mask they gave us so that she will feel better about it, and hers has a little rhino/triceratops (we don’t really know what it is) horn on it, which she thinks is funny. She gets extra snuggles and tv when she has her treatments. Neither Jim nor I are allergic to anything, or have had asthma, so we don’t think this will be long-term, but we will see! BUT: if you’re around us and she’s coughing, don’t worry! She isn’t contagious! Just sounds bad!

Fifth:

I started one of my new classes this week, and I think it’s going to be good! There’s a component of light web editing, which I suck at, but my husband happens to be somewhat of an expert in that field, so I’ll have my own private tutor. It’s an information studies technology course, so it’s basically technology and advancements associated with Information Studies (primarily in the field of librarianship). It’s one of the core classes, but I probably would have chosen it anyway.

I think that’s all of the thoughts currently in my brain right now. Again, THANK YOU, from the bottom of my heart, for everything. You guys rock.

So. I was hoping to share good news with you all this week, but I will not get to do that.

On April 10th I took three pregnancy tests that were all positive. Two weeks ago I met with my doctor and he wanted to do some blood work to test my hcg levels since I got pregnant while on birth control and that can affect the dating of the pregnancy by normal calculations (date of last menstrual period). The blood work came back normal and I scheduled an ultrasound. On Tuesday (May it was discovered that I had miscarried. We got pregnant without planning (as I said above, I was on birth control), but it didn’t make the prospect of having another baby any less exciting or keep us from planning and being happy about adding to our family. I went for an ultrasound thinking something didn’t feel quite right, but hoping I would hear the heartbeat of a nine week old fetus. Instead the radiologist found a fetus that appeared to be about six weeks along, a sack that was about nine weeks along, and no heartbeat.

On Friday (May 11) I had a D&C because my body didn’t take care of the miscarrying process on its own. That was, well, not so great. The whole facility was running behind for the day, then my doctor was running late (which, whatever, I sort of expected; he’s a busy man). So I got there for admission at 11:30, but didn’t go back until almost 2, and didn’t get home until about 4:30. I was tired but couldn’t rest comfortably, despite Lortab and Motrin on cycle. But more than the physical stuff, I was sad. My brain wouldn’t quit, and my heart was dragging, and I was just… sad.

To say I’m sad is a weird statement. It feels very different than losing Angel. But it was still a tangible loss. I’m so thankful to be able to get pregnant so easily, even though I wasn’t planning on getting pregnant and didn’t exactly want to be pregnant (until I found out I was. It’s a weird thing, wanting something so badly that you didn’t even know you wanted in the first place). Jim and I are both devastated. We’re heartbroken. We got used to the idea of adding to our family really quickly and started thinking about where the nursery would go, how we could rearrange the office so it could double as a guest room. I have a list of possible baby names on my phone and had started bookmarking Swistle’s posts with names I liked so I could go back to similar/compatible names if Jim declined my choices. We talked to Eriana about babies and thought about what a great big sister she would be. We bought a t-shirt for her that says “Big Sister” that is hidden in our closet because I can’t face it.

But we’re okay. We’ll get through it. I have no idea what to say about the future. I have no idea if this will change our thoughts about trying to have another baby naturally. I’m not even sure about how I feel about the prospect. Three pregnancies, one amazing miracle baby. I don’t know if we should cut our losses or try try again. We haven’t talked about it, and I don’t know when we will. Or when I’ll tell you all about it.

We don’t need anything. I’m still taking my antidepressants, so I’m good on that. I’ve got Jim, who is, of course, amazing. And I’ve got my miracle baby, who continues to be awesome in every way possible. I mean, of course we’ll take any happy thoughts/prayers/virtual hugs you want to give. You don’t turn down stuff like that. But we don’t need anything specific. I’m super thankful for what we DO have, and trying not to dwell on what we don’t.

We’ll never know why this happened, and sometimes I feel like I’ve been targeted for stuff like this somehow or for some reason. But somewhere deep down inside I know that’s not true. It just… happens sometimes. And I’m not feeling sorry for myself. I (unfortunately) know many, many couples that have struggled with infertility or miscarriages or whatever that have had a heartbreakingly difficult time.

Anyway. That’s all I have for now. Just want to keep you guys in the loop, because you, my friends and readers, are an important part of my life on this blog. Thank you to those of you who knew the situation prior to this post for your love and support and prayers and happy thoughts and hugs, both real and virtual, and amazing care packages filled with smiles and chocolate and love a mile wide. Thank you.

I was trying to get Eriana to pose with that piece of paper, which has a Mother’s Day message for our moms and grandmothers, but she wasn’t really game for that. I got one good-enough shot out of… about 8, then she lost interest. Silly girl!

P.S. It may seem arbitrary to you, but I am going to say it anyway: even though I’m blogging about this, please don’t discuss our very private matter on any social networking outlets. (It’s just… after we lost our Angel we experienced a lot of people talking about our family sort of behind our backs or without our knowledge or consent and sharing our very private business and story and taking it upon their own shoulders, and getting sympathy for our loss and not really thinking about us, or how it would affect us for THEM to be the ones taking on our loss, etc. And, also, I would rather not be portrayed as the poor woman who had a stillborn and now a miscarriage and oh, so sad. Really the gist is: It’s not really your business to discuss.)

I’m done with school! For a week! My first summer class starts on the 14th. (I staggered my summer classes so I’m taking one May-July and one June-August. So I’ll be 2/3 time, technically, but only have to deal with two courses for a month out of the three.) WOOHOO!

I took three classes this spring and it was one too many. Between Eriana and, well, life in general, taking a full load of classes was difficult. It was much harder to be a SAHM and go to school full-time than it ever was to work full-time and go to school full-time. I think I’ll stick with 2 classes per term from here on out! (But, I do think I passed all my classes, so that’s good.)

I’m taking one of my core classes this summer, and one of my electives that is focused toward my concentration (academic librarianship): Information and Communication Technology (core), and Scholarly Communication (elective). I’m pretty excited about it. I’m not sure if I can stagger in the fall, but if I can, I think that’s probably the best way to approach my terms. One month of ridiculously difficult school workloads seems smarter than three or four full months of it.

In the meantime, I’ll be spending my days with this little monster.

Hi! I’ll be fast. (As fast as I know how to be; I’m sure you’ve noticed I’m a bit long-winded.)

-It’s my last week of classes for the semester and I’m BUSY trying to cram in the last papers I need to write that I’ve been writing for weeks and haven’t gotten to finish yet. Uh. I MAY have been procrastinating a bit, so whatever.

-Eriana is in the running to be a finalist in the Parents magazine cover contest. SO GO VOTE FOR HER! She’s cute. She could win a $250 gift card! That would buy a lot of shoes and toys, two things she loves.

-I STILL haven’t gotten my title for our second car. It will have been two months since we bought it on Thursday. That’s ridiculous, am I right?

-I don’t want to discuss why, with anyone yet, but I could use some happy thoughts or prayers or positivity, or whatever you’ve got for me. I should know more next week.

-Mother’s Day is coming up and I really need to get the gifts I’m making made, but I’m working on school stuff. So, uh, grandmothers and motherly figures in our lives: you may get late gifts, but I’m trying!

ON TO PICTURES OF OUR GIRL! (Also, I don’t know how to make the pictures show up properly with the captions above them. It’s just all weird. So you just have to live with it. It seems to work fine on mobile versions the way I post it, but leaves LONG blank spaces if I make it work on a computer screen. So, sorry!)

-We went to the dinosaur museum on Saturday when some friends were in town, and it happened to be a free day (SCORE!), and Eriana loved it. That kid is such a nerd. I’m so proud.

-Eriana also discovered the best way to eat rice was without bothering with her hands or utensils. So there’s this:

-And last, but certainly not least, here’s the little monster using one of our end tables as her own little table at the couch. Silly, silly girl.

Y’all, my baby is going to be 16 months old tomorrow. I feel like it’s been awhile since I did an update on Eriana, so here goes:

-She is FINALLY walking. Sort of. She still, by far, prefers crawling, but she’ll walk across the room occasionally. And she completely bypassed the Franken-baby walking phase, preferring instead to walk with her hands on her belly or while holding something. Maybe that’s why she waited? Because Franken-baby wasn’t dignified enough? Weirdo.

-Her favorite shows are Yo Gabba Gabba and Fresh Beat Band. She doesn’t really care for anything else. I’ve tried, because our choices are limited on Netflix, but wow. These are all she’ll watch.

-She has 24 words now*, that she says in context and consistently. I decided to stop counting here because, well, that’s a lot and she’s ahead of her game on talking.

-She is no longer a joy in public, opting instead to GET DOWN I WANT DOWN I WANT TO CRAWL EVERYWHERE AND TOUCH EVERYTHING WHY WON’T YOU LET ME DOWN, MAMA, AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH.

-She consistently naps once a day, and we are trying to get her on a schedule to nap from 12-2 p.m. so that’s in line with her schedule at Mother’s Day Out.

-She is now (as of last week) going to Mother’s Day Out for the WHOLE day, two days a week. She had once rough day and one great day last week, so hopefully she’ll have great days from here on out.

-She laughs a LOT. Which is awesome.

-She gets SO EXCITED when she sees dogs or cats that she squeals uncontrollably and points and yells DOG or CAT until I acknowledge that I see the dog or cat.

-She dances a LOT. And has my rhythm (so none). It’s hilarious.

-She answers “yes” or with a nod, or both, to every question. Rarely does she say no, which is fine, because I know the day is coming when that’s all she says, but she doesn’t always mean yes. (“Eriana, if you climb up on that you are going to go behind the gate [to time out]; do you want to go behind the gate?” “Yes.”)

-Applesauce is her favorite food. She was eating so many of those on-the-go applesauce packets that I bought this so we could save some money in the long run. Crazy girl.

-She does not sleep very well at night. It’s really frustrating. Jim and I either switch off all night or switch off every other night for at least 4 out of 7 nights sleeping on her floor. She’s old enough to be able to sleep. I’m really ready for her to figure this out again.

-She likes to lift up her shirt to show her belly or be tickled, and to do the same to us. She thinks it’s hilarious!

-She understands WAY more than she can say, which is great.

-She tries to put on her shoes and socks, which doesn’t really work out, but is fun to watch.

-She LOVES babies, and tries to pet them like dogs or cats (sometimes not so gently). She will crawl or cruise at top speed if she sees a stroller, and try to get to the baby inside.

-She whines a lot, but we’re working on it.

-She’s still pretty independent, and is great at playing alone. The other day at a restaurant she climbed up to the top of the playplace and slid down the big slide all on her own.

-She’s ridiculously silly and goofy and makes some great funny faces.

-She wants to be wherever I am, most of the time, which when I’m cooking can be a problem. Lately I’ve been pushing a stepstool up to the counter so she can stand there and sort K-cups or color and be next to me. I need one of these.

-She likes the vacuum unless it’s coming toward her, then she FREAKS RIGHT OUT.

-She gives her stuffed friends hugs and kisses and gets really excited when she sees one she hasn’t in awhile, or finds one in a funny place where a pet has pushed it (under a piece of furniture).

-She’s really sweet and gives great hugs and kisses.

I can’t think of anything else right now, but she’s on track and doing great.

*In case you’re interested: that, dog, cat, go, hi, all done, uh-oh, whoa, yes, Dada, Mama, Nahnah (Eriana), shoes, love, up, down, banana, hot, tickles, no, ball, applesauce, Ru-Ru (Rubeus), elephant,

Random quick takes for you:

-I thought I had mobile settings for this site all taken care of, and then, uh, I didn’t. People kept pointing out to me that my site didn’t work on their phones, and then I wound up with about 5 plug-ins, which I think were counteracting each other. I THINK I have it fixed now.

-Also, I’ve had technical difficulties with actually logging onto my computer and writing blog posts. Not so much a technical difficulty as a problem with my brain, but whatever.

Here’s a picture of my baby:

-I’m almost done with this semester of school, and I’m really ready for it to be over. I’m enjoying my classes, it’s just all too much. Maybe I should have listened to all of you nice people who told me three classes was too many? (And not listened to those of you who said, “No, library school is easy!”) With, you know, life, and a full-time job as a wife and mama, I just don’t have the energy to write essays for three classes every week or every other week. I’m sticking with one or two classes per semester from here on out.

-There’s a girl working at Panera right now (that’s where I am, “studying” while E is at Mother’s Day Out and I’m about to leave to meet a friend for lunch) named Genesis. Swistle, what are your thoughts on this? Should I adopt a son and name him Leviticus? Are Bible books fair game here?

-Jim and I ate some bad pizza on Sunday night and I think we got food poisoning. It was not a pretty day yesterday. (TMI, whatever!)

-I slept on my neck funny on Saturday night and it still hurts. I might have to go see a chiropractor, which I’ve never done.

-I found ants in our house yesterday. I have to call an exterminator today, and you KNOW how I feel about using the phone. I’ve never called an exterminator before, but ants have been a consistent problem in our house for the last two springs/summers, so I feel like it’s time.

Here’s another picture of my baby:

(She’s torturing the cat with our hiking stick from Mount Fuji. She was giggling like a crazy person (which she is, I guess) the whole time.)

-I’m reading the Fifty Shades series and, oh, y’all, I’m a little embarrassed to admit that. These books leave me a little flustered! I’m on the second one, though, because I HAVE to know what happens next!

-We bought two cars on March 3, and the dealership sent us one of the titles on March 20 so we could pay the taxes and stuff, but the finance company is not being super quick about funding the loan on the other car, so I’m driving around with a tag that was expired on April 1. So that’s fun. (The dealer said they can’t issue me a new temp tag, but that if I got a ticket for it they would pay it.)

-I spent part of a birthday present gift card yesterday at on a zester, two colanders, and a set of mixing bowls. I’m old. And a little lame. Or maybe I just like cooking?

I think that’s all I have to say for now. I promise I’ll get my brain back on track soon and post more regularly. Oh, another picture for you. (I think I tear up a little every time I see it.)

Well, we went to Mexico. We had a really good time! We got to relax, we hung out in and by the pool, went to a wedding on the beach, went to a water park in a lagoon/marina, ate good food, and drank some delicious, all-inclusive drinks. We didn’t have a crying baby on the other end of a baby monitor, but we missed our little monster like CRAZY. Here’s how the trip went:

-Left home at 4am on Friday, April 6. Got to the airport at about 4:30, parked, and then went through the whole thing with security, etc. Got moved to better seats (with legroom!) where we wound up sitting next to a guy in the AF who has the same job that Jim had when he was in, and they talked the whole time (they really are a whole different type of person – not a bad thing) about the job and people they both knew, etc. Small world.

-Flew to Atlanta. Ate breakfast. Got on another plane. Sat in front of an annoying family with three kids. The parents were the problem, though. (I fully expect for children on vacation to be excited. I also expect for parents to keep them as quiet/restrained as possible. I didn’t mind the kids kicking my seat, although I hoped the parents would ask them to stop, and I didn’t mind the youngest kid YELLING about the ocean for the last 45 minutes of the flight, though I hoped the parents would ask him to stop. I DID mind the DAD kicking my seat, and the MOM pulling on my seat to get up (they did a lot of musical chairs amongst their family.) I also minded them getting out into the aisle so we couldn’t put our bags down after we landed, and not letting me out (Jim was already in the aisle) so I had to squeeze out and maneuver my carry-on in a weird way (all the while telling their kids to be sure to thank the pilot on the way out!).) Also sat next to a divided family, and the dad kept coming up to ask questions or deliver snacks, turning sideways to talk to his wife, and bending over so his butt was in my face. Lovely.

-Took 3 hours to get through customs and immigration in Mexico. Are you kidding me?

-Got to the hotel to find that the travel agent had booked our room for the wrong nights, so we were counted as a no-show on Thursday (for a Thursday-Monday reservation) instead of having a room for Friday-Monday. Were forced into talking to the consierge before we could go eat (it was about 4pm by now and we hadn’t eaten since 9am). FINALLY got to our room and had to wait another hour before we got our bags (also didn’t know how to work the electricity in the room – you had to put your key in the wall), and then I discovered I had forgotten my cell phone charger.

Oh, but, hey, this was our view from our room:

-Dinner and drinks with the wedding party on Friday night, relaxing and swimming on Saturday, wedding then dinner and drinks on Saturday evening/night (I pulled an Irish exit (uh… the first definition on the page that links to – NOT due to intoxication at all) and went to bed about 9pm this night – Jim came up at about 10:30. We party hard!). Sunday at a marina/lagoon water park where we zip-lined, snorkled, and walked around (only downsides: they asked that we use their chemical-free sunblock to “protect the marine life” which didn’t work and I got fried; my big ‘ole thighs rubbed the inside of my swim shorts and my legs are still raw) all day. Sunday evening dinner at the fancy hotel Italian restaurant for my birthday (veal ossobucco – YUM).

This is where we spent all day on Saturday: in the pool with this view:

And Sunday after dinner (sorry, I forgot my camera, so a picture from my phone is all you get):

-Monday we got up and went to breakfast, then said our goodbyes. We didn’t get a fancy shuttle back to the airport (we rode in a tricked-out Expedition to the hotel, but were shuttled in a van with another family back), but we got there okay. Had lunch, then boarded. (No upgrade here – flight was full; I actually cried on landing in Atlanta because I was so nervous (related – don’t fly with me).)  We ate dinner, then waited for our flight to OKC (got moved to seats closer to the middle/front of the plane – I think the trick is that I can’t be near the back or the engines on the wing or in front of it I’m much better!) and went home. Our sweet girl was sleeping when we got home, but had a rough night, so we wound up getting to snuggle her around 3am. She was really excited when she woke enough to realize it was us.

So, back to real life. It was a good vacation! But I’m glad to be home. I think it was really good for Jim and me to get away together. After almost 10 years together and almost nine years of marriage, I still really like the guy. He’s my favorite person in the world, and I think it’s important to be reminded of that when real life takes over.

Eriana at my grandpa’s on Saturday. She was really hurting with out us, obviously: